Why we mourn our ghost lives.

Last week, I wrote an essay I loved. It broke my heart to write it but also helped me understand myself a little better.

The piece, which came out yesterday in HuffPost, is about how no matter the number of years that pass, we always carry the consequences of leaving behind a part of ourselves. I tied my experience of leaving Iran and coming to America with that of Nora's, the Korean-American main character in the movie "Past Lives." The film’s received Oscar nominations for Best Picture and Original Screenplay. The awards are this Sunday night.

I came to America at 14 and have loved the life I've made. But I still mourn the identity I left behind. And the boy I loved. Here we are together as kids. This sweet gentle boy made me feel like I mattered. Here’s my essay about us, the movie and how it feels to leave a part of yourself behind.

I desperately wanted to get this essay published. Not just because it was a story I cared about but because I’m teaching a Craft Talks webinar next month and was having enormous imposter syndrome.

The amazing Allison Williams and Sharla Yates gave me the opportunity to teach this Craft Talks webinar on pitching big national publications and I didn’t want to disappoint them.

As I started to promote the webinar, a panic set in. Who the hell do I think I am? I got a bunch essays published in a few years, so what? What if I can’t get ONE piece published about the Oscars in a week? How can I teach a class on pitching if I can't do it myself? I'm not a writer with decades of experience.

I wanted to cry.

I reached out to my writer friends for advice. They rallied around me with support and encouragement. My friend Heather Sweeney said this:

“I truly think the appeal of this class is BECAUSE you're not [a seasoned teacher with decades of experience]. People want to hear success stories and advice from writers like you who figured it all out without being well-known. And you ARE qualified...look at your bylines! As far as this piece you're pitching now, whether or not it gets picked up has no reflection on your ability to teach this class. It's the life of freelancers right now. I want to hear other people's experiences with BOTH acceptances and rejections. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only writer getting these heartbreaking rejections despite my collection of good bylines, and it encourages me to not give up and keep pitching stories.”

Her message reminded me why I’m doing this webinar. I want people to know that you don’t have to have decades of experience or degrees in writing (I’m sure those are awesome and if I was younger I might have jumped at the chance for an MFA) to get your stories out into the world. I want to share the things that have helped me publish over 20 pieces in big pubs the last few years. It IS hard out there. But we need to keep writing, keep trying, keep dreaming. Our stories matter. Your stories matter! :)